I spread my wings to take flight

Emo. Medical junk for my DA Watchers to read

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 22:59:54 GMT

Read if you want too........I'm not going to make you.

Ok I was always a cold, heartless distant kinda girl.......I don't have much Emotions.

Ok you know I'm just going to blunt> Medical Condition as of now:

Might Possible have Breast Cancer ---- ((We're not sure, but we're keeping an eye out just in case. Damn Boobs!))
Might Possible be Baron ---- This is because of number 3
Anorexic ----- No I DON'T do diets - My Stomach has SHRUNK ever since I had Colic last year. However I am fat so It's good to know that I'm loosing wight....
Insomnia. --- Ok less than 4 hours sleep is BAAAD!!! And it's getting worst...........Man I'm tired
O.C.D ----- Yeah I have one hell of a cleaning Disorder! Things just grate me to the max!! especially upstairs at work GRRR!!!!

There's another one but I can't remember and I don't care to be honest.

And being ignored etc by friends and family doesn't really help when your feeling incredibly low.............

Fairytale Begining

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 22:08:32 GMT

Hello My little lovelies
How have you all been?

What Have I Been Up To?

Well Of course I've been a busy little bunny working on my art and creative writing skills, I'm improving which is brilliant. I've been reminiscing a LOT! Which to be honest is incredible bad. My mother found out about a dark secret i have kept for many years, she wasn't very happy when she heard it, though she hasn't actually done anything about it even if it is around 7 years ago. It had affected me, and of course she was crying, yet I'm an emotionless girl and do not cry so easily.

LOVE!

ERH don't get me started on that, I thought i loved this girl once, but you know what i found out. I actually DO NOT FALL IN OR OUT OF LOVE! This is a fact, i have had so much time on my hands to think about this, and I've never got the feelings your suppose to get when your in "Love". I'm a girl, of course I'm going to like being kissed etc but nope..........I'm a heartless shadow, a unfortunate soul unable to feel love
You know that's kind of sad..........

TT x TT Tis so sad

JOB

Ooooooh I love my Job! I work in a little Jewelry store named "Carats" it really is small and pretty expensive inside so i feel rich when i get to handle £1000 Wedding rings etc. However I am NOT a jewelry kind of girl, i have TONS of it, but i only really wear ear rings now. I'm a ribbon girl, and i mean that. Most girls buy Shoes, Bags, Clothes, but nope I buy RIBBONS X33 <3<
Hehe ^^

You know i really do miss some good friends of mine, i really mean this. After college and some..........mishaps, i have not kept in contact with my friends which is partially my fault i suppose, but i really needed the break at the time (so much drama in my life for once instead of others) It really is hard work to help people with there problems and once they drag you in some strange way it just spirals out of control! (as listed in the 2nd journal before this one)

HOURS OF SLEEP!?

OMG!!!! I knew i had a demented body clock but this is really starting to drive me scatty. WHO WAKES UP AT 4AM EVERY MORNING ON THERE OWN FREE WILL!?!?!?
Well i do, and i have no idea why and lately I've been waking up earlier. For the past 2 weeks I've been waking up at 1 - 3am! This Clearly is not right especially when i go to bed at 11pm - 1am ..........i refuse to take drugs to sleep, that's just plain wrong for me.

So.............That's my rambling done, now it's your turn

HOW HAVE YOU ALL BEEN?
WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO?
DID YOU HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR?

Oh and

HAPPY
CHINESE
NEW YEAR
OF THE RAT!!!

I WORK!!!!

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 23:30:21 GMT

I work YAAAAY I've been working since the start of the new year, it's fun i work in a little Jewelery store.........................Me + Jewelery = Laughter.
I am NOT a jewelery person, I'm a ribbon person, plus OMG!!!!
i get to touch £2000 rings etc, it is sooooo awesome XD i feel rich touching them HAHAH

the Truth behind my barrier i hide behind

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 21:39:06 GMT

::WARNING RANT!!::

I am NOT happy
I am NOT looking forward to Christmas
I am NOT finished with request (so many flaws, so much anger, to many little pieces of fluttering confetti)
I am NOT going to finish 5 parts of MMAM by Christmas
I am NOT doing cards or presents for my IRL friends (there lying pig scum who should rot in hell!)
I am NOT going to be nice to this girl if i see her this week (Lorry you know what i mean)
I am NOT interested in your photos people so stop moaning at me for not looking at them!! I'M NOT THE PHOTOGRAPHY KINDA GIRL!!
I am NOT Pretty/Beautiful/Cute so stop saying I am:No-Body and Karl!!
I am NOT your gorgeous Karl
I am NOT your Friend! (this is pointed to my IRL friends for example: Aislinn, Zack, Pipa, Samii etc - why you ask- well lets say i don NOT like back stabbing whores who think they're SPECIAL when they're NOT!!! Your immature Freaks who think that just because a girl who HELPS you is down in the dumps or realized a mistake she made and sorted it out- even in a harsh way - is a piece of dog poop on your shoe! Well guess what! UP YOURS BITCHES!!!! i don't need you and i never will. Look how far I've got without you! you be your les/bi selves and stay the fuck out of my life! Because of you I'm emo YOU WHORES!!! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!!!)!

I am NOT going to REGRET, FORGIVE, BEG, COWER any more from the one that hurt me so!
I am NOT staying in the same house with my brothers!
I am NOT going to listen to the crap people comment on this journal. MAYBE I'll take a look once I've calmed down by GAH who knows. NO ONE. THATS WHO!! :chainsaw:
I am NOT alright and i NEVER HAVE BEEN this year!
I am NOT going to be nice to the ones that hurt me so much anymore!
I am NOT going to get off my laptop. WHY!? say hello to Mr "WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOM" The Urge to kill over comes me =>D

I AM about to break down in Tears. I do NOT cry, or feel emotions. FACT.
I AM wanting to runaway
I AM thinking to go suicidal. since as you all say "I'm a waste of space"
I AM turning anorexic! WHO cares that i don't eat!? I DON'T!!
I DO live my life with my split personalities
MY MMAM characters ARE alive in MY HEAD! so get over it!
I DO HATE the Pudding x Taruto pairing, so mention that to me and i WILL flip! I've warned you MEW MEW POWER // TOKYO MEW MEW // MEW MEW ANIMAL METAMORPHO-SIS Fans before already! It's not my fault you forget!
I AM a freak! I've spent my life thinking/dreaming that i was this little red dragon named "char" (No-Body I've nearly finished her profile picture XD finally) because i hate my life that much. This has been going on since i was a TODDLER!!
I WISH to do things i can't Physically/Mentally do! and yeah!!
I DO wish i was terrible ill, so what!? I'd rather experience it now when I'm young and vulnerable, than when I'm old and realized what a waste of live I've lived!
I wish to be something I'm not!
I just want to fit in, but no matter how hard i try it never works out the way it should. I don't live in a fairytale world, i live in the nightmare world, the dark realm where nothing but hatred, sorrow and fear live. They dwell on my soul turning me to what I am today. Nothing is ever meant to be good in the live we I live

I've had enough with weak guys thinking there strong, and girls who think they're "SPECIAL" well you know what!! YOUR NOT STRONG BOYS!!! AND YOUR NOT SPECIAL GIRLS!!!
One girl once went out with me PFFT yeah i know how sad and pathetic is that, but yeah, you know what happened. She only wanted one thing! she didn't want the talk, the soft relaxing side to a relationship she wanted to get PHYSICAL! erm hmm sorry sweetheart but i don't swing like that! I am old fashioned so HA that will have to come after marriage but oh wait! we're not together anymore. YIPEE!
And PFFT! This guy is SOOOO weak is unbelievable, no offense but MY KIND of lad is either

1. Japanese (I've had a thing for them since i was a WEEEEEE LITTLE GIRL! (2 1/2 years old)
2. Old fashioned Gentlemen. The ones that holds doors open, help you into your chair, wear a morning/fishtail suit with a top hat, have a pocket watch. Basically the WHOLE package from the olden times. THAT is what i like!

NOT weak guys who try to walk by your side while oncoming people walk by you making it IMPOSSIBLE to be have anyone walk beside you, BUT of course he still TRIES to be right by your side like glue! Also the STARE!! no offense but OTHER girls might like to be stared at when they do things and CONSTANTLY drape on your arm but me? NEVER!! I hate it with a passion!!
And GEEZ guys what is it with the constant ringing on the phone!? Do they not get it the first time when you say "I DO NOT LIKE TALKING ON THE PHONE!!" ¬ x ¬ stupid idiots! AND what's even worse is, They call you at STUPID HOURS!! Yes I'm sorry, but just because your male and party hard all night, doesn't mean that We'll be up too. I am an INDOOR girl, I DO NOT go out ALONE ever, i don't like it. I am NOT impressed by beaches, war memorials, fields, etc.
And you will not catch me dead in a bikini, WHY? because I am not a "HOT" girl, or a" PLAYBOY BUNNY" yeah i might act like a rabbit but I'm NOT the girl that goes around flashing myself to the public.
No offense Girls! but seriously ¬ x ¬ i think it's rather Hookerish wearing "tight, skimpy" bikinis. You wear what you want, and I'll wear my stuff.

*pant* man i needed this rant. Of course this isn't ALL my problems, at the time being, there is a few more things, which are just a little TOO personal to tell.
And I'm sorry if any of the above involves YOU, but i need to say what i needed to say!

Now that that's done, i will bid you farewell

And have a marvelous Christmas, and a Happy New Year.
A new year deserves a new start correct? well that's exactly what I'm trying for anyway ^^

And It's good to be back here on LJ!
o-0 man i need to update my profile layout XD (i might need some help for this, so will you help me?)

P.S: In case you don't know what "IRL" means. It's the aabbreviation of "In Real Life"

I'M BACK!!! XD (with a a rant of life)

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 19:14:40 GMT

HELLOWE MY LOVLIES!! ^^ *Waves*

I apologies for my vanishing act. I've been pretty much busy.
And as i don't wish to keep you all in the dark i shall explain EVERYTHING that has been going on,
EVERY SINGLE DETAIL SHALL BE TOLD!!

Okay ^^ here we go

RANTY TIME:

Ok, my last-last journal of course said i was going suicidal and Yeah I was, BUT i would NEVER actually do it. I don't have the guts to put a gun to my head, or a pill in my mouth, a rope to my neck a knife to my wrist., a fork to my eye, etc. I fear pain so much i can't even stand being pinched, or playfully slapped (as my so called "friends" - will explain that a little later on - always hurt me while doing so)
So yeah..................I'm NOT going to commit suicide any time soon.
However i might turn into a psycho person from the treatment i get from my so called "friends" (will explain that a little later XD)
And yeah ............... I found the most Wonderful guy over the internet. His name was Gary, and i did love him to pieces, he kept saying to me that he'd come down and see me "soon" which of course he never did. Seriously, if you say you're going to do something, you might as well (politeness) do it! don't say "Ahhh im gona do this" and then not end up doing whatever it was you were going to do. That pissed me off the most i think (not unless its suicide. THINK ABOUT IT FIRST PEOPLE!!!
(Ohh before i was with Gaz, i..........."experimented" my sexuality and became bi curious. *laughs* that didn't turn out to well. I mean seriously ^^ it was fun when it lasted, but SOOOO wasn't me. To be honest i got a little freaked out.
Just ..............NAH!!!
Anyway...........
So yeah i was with Gaz, a guy over the internet, so yeah a Virtual thing TxT and of course with the whole Virtual thing, We both knew it wouldn't last, so yeah...............its over between us.
Shame, but oh well ^^
AND THEN *dances around happily* after like .................a month!? later i met Olly, now Olly is the most Sweetest, adorable guy EVER! i mean seriously *huggles him* he is just truly wonderful. (i shall get a pic of us soon ^^) AND OMG OMG OMG. He's a drummer in a band called "State Of The Enemy" if you can, i suggest yo go check out one of their gigs ^^ I'm going to see him play on the 1st August at the Twist ^^ so I'm Soooo Looking forward to it..........OOOOoooooh here's there MySpace: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=28723603
Anyhoo....................where was i, oh yes XD he's wonderful i love him ^^
Now the "friends" *cough* yeah sorry about this journal being all over the place TxT i didn't mean to make it such a pain in the butt to read. I just wanted everything in it's own little section.
Yeah...............back to the point. OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!GAH!!! XD I have such nice friends i hate them all! no joke either. I mean seriously. WHO on the right of mined would use and abuse your friendship!? we'll thats EXACTLY what my so called friends have done. And I'm not joking either. They only like me or want to be near me when they're either, lonely or need advice. And yeah...................seriously though im pissed off about it.
¬ x ¬
Now i have to go, I need to finish typing my poems, so I'll have to continue writing this later TxT

OHHHHyeah ^^ I'M GOING TO BE A PUBLISHED POET............hopefully, I'm just finishing typing them up then handing All 70 odd poems to my English Literature Teacher (who is a Published Poet himself) And he'll help me become published etc.
So I'm SOOOO looking forward to this ^^
AND I'm writing my own Novel too ^^ so WOHOOOO let's hope things go well for me ^^

Anyway Toodle pip sweeties

BYE xxxx

Emotional Trip to Happy Bunny. IM GIRLEY oxO

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 20:00:21 GMT

KONNICHIWA!!!

I've been going through hell and now im a bunny.

Yep I've been through hell and back again.
I was suicidal and really sepressed, but NO LONGER ^^ I've been my happy bunny self for quite some time now and i LOVE IT XD
No one can take me out of this mood.
AND I CAN WRITE AGAIN!!!
WHOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO XD
Yeah i was suffering from writers block which had stopped me from writing my poems ( i write poems based on things that have happened to me/feelings) So I'm currently writting everything out, and i Mean EVERYTHING!! ^^
Now this would normally make someone annoyed/upset, but nope ^^ not me. This is what im talking about:
If you already know (like you squishy) then you'll already know whats been going on with me and my so called best mate Samii (im slightly ashamed to say that i dont give two damns about her and her feelings right now) Listen to this.
Me and Samii, yes we were dating, but i didnt like it, so i ended it. (probably the worst way, but i hardly saw her ans she was always busy, so i wrote it on my DA, i knew she would see it there)
ANYWAY
After telling her it was over, she gave me "THE COLD SHOULDER" DUN DUN DUN DUHHHHHHHN..........yes twas very scary ...........not. I actually didnt care that day (still dont, too happy). Yeah anyway.........i apologised to her THREE TIMES, over the internet, phone AND to her face. And apparently she never heard me say it. Oh well ^^ dont care, she moaned at me for being Stubburn.............Hehe ^^ yep thats me. But thats not the point. I REFUSE!! to repeat myself after the third time! So yeah, she wernt happy at that. Not at all. But no offence, she needs to take a GOOD HARD LOOK AT HERSELF, and realise shes not Mrs Perfect. She's worst than me, for christ sake *giggles* (god i realy must stop laughing at this, tis a serious matter ^^) She thinks that shes better than everyone else, and thats a fact! COME ON!!! She wants to be ME!? O-O, she wants my cloths, my art technique, my poems, my looks, my personality, my stuff...............SHE WANTS TO BE MY SHADOW!!! And Trust me, my Shadow IS NOT HAPPY about that at all!! Well i know im not, this addiction is a little bit too much for my liking.~
She doenst want to see past her own nose. ( i know she'll totaly flip at me if she reads this but i dont care........im still laughing for christ sake... ARGH!!! must be serious!) So yeah............ a little falling out over something EXTREAMLY stupid, and she's the only one not forgiving me, and she has a little helper on her side (yes a friend now doesnt like me, and is sticking up for her, tis very sad. *stares at the floor sadly*..........oh well ^^ *smiles and hops up*)
I have a number of my friends, and the majority of them agree with my actions ( of course they sound mean, but understandable if i talk about THE WHOLE THING, but that will take forever, and this is probably a huge essay by now anyway)

SORRY READERS ^^; dont mean to make you read alot

So yeah back to the samii thing...........SHE (remember this) asks me to go meet her, so i did ( i really enjoyed my walk and sitting HONEST, twas fun ^^) she came up and said she need to quickle go/do something, so i said "ok" , and followed at her side. (happily). Thats when it hit..................."IF YOUR NOT GOING TO TALK TO ME! THEN THERES NO POINT WITH US MEETING!!" LoL(musnt laugh........im in a real laughing mood today, tis funny when you look back on things, that seem SO STUPID ^^) so yeah she wernt happy, but in my mind i was going "eh.....you asked me to meet you, i have nothing to say..........what th!?". So i smiled and said " ok , Good bye" did my little salute and slightly hopped, and said hi to and old school mate who passed by. I dont think she was expecting THAT LoL. So yeah was walking home, decided to text her and explain that 'she was the one who wanted to meet up, and i had nothing to say, and that i enjoyed my walk' of course.........she didnt like that either (I WAS BEING HONEST!! i did enjoy my little walk that morning ^^) so yeah she rang me, moaned at me for not saying sorry. When i had 3 TIMES!!! so yeah................i hung up after saying "sorry but im in a happy mood, and i if you didnt listen to me, then its not my fault, Good bye" (well something along the lines. AND I WAS NICE!!! i didnt SHOUT OR SWEAR!! im so proud of myself ^^)
And after that i hoped away singing and dancing to my music LoL ^^

SO, THATS WHATS WITH SAMII AND ME!!

*breathes in*.......................................................*breathes out* Im done, hehe ^^

ANIME LINKS TO ME!! o-O
If you've ever seen Tokyo Mew Mew, then you'll know what i mean when i say iv been acting just like Ichigo, apart from im more of a bunny than a cat. LoL ^^
I do enjoy it XD
And everyone (my main friends) have proven to me that i am child like: hyper, happy, smiley and hopping mad bunny ^^. And they prefer this side of me than my old serious, heartless, cold self.........I was just like CLOUD STRIFE (no joke, apart from i smiled more than him, and im a .......nomralish girl) LoL ^^. So now im CLOUD, TIFA, ICHIGO AND KAIRI ALL IN ONE o-O
Freaky huh ^^
I enjoy it though ^^
But yeah! I LOVE BIENG MY HAPPY BUNNY SELF!! And if ANYONE tries and upset me, and put me out of my happy mood, will have to Deal with My DRAGON, and trust me thats just.........suicidal! (feel free to ask about the dragon)

LAST THING

I'VE TURNED GIRLIEY!!!!!!
I knew i had a thing for ribbons, as i always had one a round my neck and/or one big one in my hair. HOWEVER!!! i now have one for my neck AND matching ones for my srcuffy bunches i do ^^ ITS GREAT !! ^^
I have around 16 RIBBONS AND COUNTING ^^

I'm looking for a bell now though, so i can put it on the ribbon around my neck (my mum looked at me when i said that, so it be like a..............cat colar)
I can't wait to wonder around ringing where ever i go. I wonder who would get annoyed first?
LoL MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ^^ hehe im so evil.

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED EASTER EVERYONE!!! XD

PLEASE COMMENT

Love you all
Fudge xXx

P.s. Fudge is my kewl new nickname ^^

Phobias

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 17:17:18 GMT

I pilthered this off StrikeTh on Deviantart

Phobias
A
[x] Achluophobia - Fear of darkness. (only when you can't see a thing)
[x] Acrophobia - Fear of heights. (no, but I have a fear of falling from heights)
[x] Agliophobia - Fear of pain.
[x] Agoraphobia - Fear of open spaces or crowds.
[x] Aichmophobia - Fear of needles or pointed objects.
[ ] Amaxophobia - Fear of riding in a car.
[ ] Androphobia - Fear of men.
[ ] Anginophobia - Fear of angina or choking.
[ ] Anthrophobia - Fear of flowers.
[ ] Anthropophobia - Fear of people or society.
[ ] Aphenphosmphobia - Fear of being touched.
[x] Arachnophobia - Fear of spiders. (D:...)
[ ] Arithmophobia - Fear of numbers.
[x] Astraphobia - Fear of thunder and lightening.
[ ] Ataxophobia - Fear of disorder or untidiness.
[x] Atelophobia - Fear of imperfection. (^xT)
[x] Atychiphobia - Fear of failure. (All the time..)
[ ] Autophobia - Fear of being alone.

B
[ ] Bacteriophobia - Fear of bacteria.
[ ] Barophobia - Fear of gravity.
[ ] Bathmophobia - Fear of stairs or steep slopes.
[ ] Batrachophobia - Fear of amphibians.
[ ] Bibliophobia - Fear of books.
[ ] Botanophobia - Fear of plants.

C
[ ] Cacophobia - Fear of ugliness.
[x] Catagelophobia - Fear of being ridiculed.
[ ] Catoptrophobia - Fear of mirrors.
[ ] Chionophobia - Fear of snow.
[ ] Chromophobia - Fear of colors.
[ ] Chronomentrophobia - Fear of clocks.
[ ] Claustrophobia - Fear of confined spaces.
[ ] Coulrophobia - Fear of clowns.
[ ] Cyberphobia - Fear of computers.
[x] Cynophobia - Fear of dogs. (barking and showing teeth O-o)

D
[ ] Dendrophobia - Fear of trees.
[ ] Dentophobia - Fear of dentists.
[x] Domatophobia - Fear of houses. (being alone in a house..............O-o *RUNS*)
[ ] Dystychiphobia - Fear of accidents.

E
[ ] Ecophobia - Fear of the home.
[ ] Elurophobia - Fear of cats.
[x] Ephebiphobia - Fear of teenagers. (often depends on the age)
[ ] Equinophobia - Fear of horses.

G
[ ] Gamophobia - Fear of marriage.
[ ] Genuphobia - Fear of knees. ( <- )
[x] Glossophobia - Fear of speaking in public.
[ ] Gynophobia - Fear of women.

H
[ ] Heliophobia - Fear of the sun.
[ ] Hemophobia - Fear of blood.
[ ] Herpetophobia - Fear of reptiles.
[ ] Hydrophobia - Fear of water.

I
[ ] Iatrophobia - Fear of doctors.
[x] Insectophobia - Fear of insects. (bad incident when i was 7) :(

K
[x] Koinoniphobia - Fear of rooms. (loads of empty ones)

L
[ ] Leukophobia - Fear of the color white.
[ ] Lilapsophobia - Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes.
[x] Lockiophobia - Fear of childbirth. (its got to hurt)

M
[ ] Mageirocophobia - Fear of cooking.
[ ] Melanophobia - Fear of the color black.
[ ] Microphobia - Fear of small things.
[ ] Mysophobia - Fear of dirt and germs.

N
[ ] Necrophobia - Fear of death or dead things.
[ ] Noctiphobia - Fear of the night.
[ ] Nosocomephobia - Fear of hospitals.

O
[ ] Obesophobia - Fear of gaining weight.
[ ] Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8.
[ ] Ombrophobia - Fear of rain.
[ ] Ophidiophobia - Fear of snakes.
[ ] Ornithophobia - Fear of birds.

P
[ ] Papyrophobia - Fear of paper.
[ ] Pathophobia - Fear of disease.
[ ] Pedophobia - Fear of children.
[ ] Philophobia - Fear of love.
[ ] Phobophobia - Fear of being afraid.
[x] Podophobia - Fear of feet. (HATE FEET 0-0 *shivers*)
[ ] Porphyrophobia - Fear of the color purple.
[ ] Pteridophobia - Fear of ferns.
[ ] Pteromerhanophobia - Fear of flying.
[ ] Pyrophobia - Fear of fire.

S
[ ] Scolionophobia - Fear of school.
[ ] Selenophobia - Fear of the moon.
[x] Sociophobia - Fear of social evaluation.
[ ] Somniphobia - Fear of sleep.

T
[ ] Tachophobia - Fear of speed.
[ ] Technophobia - Fear of technology.
[ ] Tonitrophobia - Fear of thunder.
[x] Trypanophobia - Fear of injections.

V-Z
[ ] Venustraphobia - Fear of beautiful women.
[ ] Verminophobia - Fear of germs.
[ ] Wiccaphobia - Fear of witches and witchcraft.
[ ] Xenophobia - Fear of strangers or foreigners.
[ ] Zoophobia - Fear of animals.

Ranting Out EVERYTHING

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 22:33:51 GMT

Okay, This journal, will have EVERYTHING and ANYTHING thats been on my mind for the past 2 weeks. This journal will also be copied and pasted on to my DA and Myspace account, so i wont have to espalian again to tohers.
Keeping that in mind, there will not be anything added to either copies of this journal. So you only need to read one.
There might be some foul language, which i will appologise for now.
I will NOT be nice in this journal, im fed up of being nice. Thats why im writing this journal to detah with EVERYTHING!!

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

WARNING! REPEAT: This is a huge rant, and i just want everything off my chest, so no moaning at my wieght loss ok..........unless it nessiccarily (how the hell do you spell that word?)

Now where to start. Th begginings good......

The Beginning
Ok, it all started 2 weeks ago, i started feeling Very Suicidal, and thought of mainy (painless but effective) ways to die. The cause of this............well theres a number of things that had brought this up, such as: un-happy memories, love, life, friends, family (yep they were driving me insane, for some odd strange reason), food, weather, my own emotions (I WANT TO CRY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE!!!!). So i just hated myslef and my life, but you explain that too people, it doesnt quite work out the way you plan. LoL. oh well.
I don't like my life, there's too much drama in it, and i absolutely hate human beings. My mum will go " dont you care about the people or gave you a life today, and the poor people" erm.........actually i dont, and i also don't like people moaning to me about how i should care. I don't!
I would only laugh in your face and walk away. I don't like history, and i hate the fact that we humans have to destroy everything, and cause a war every 2 seconds.
WE as a species Suck!!
And if you think differently, well good for you, Theses are My Opinions, and under the Human Rights Act: Freedom of Speech, i can say what i think!
And HEY i might be suffering from Depression, or seeking attention, i dont actually care, i just want this sorted out NOW!!
I just want to be like i used to be, ME

Love
Ignore the journal i posted last night, i was tierd and hyper, it went ALL WRONG!
But still i don't know what the fuss is about. I did say i was only curious. Jeez, it's as if i was caught having an affair or something!
Yes i was, i am with Samii, but I'm sorry i will never feel the way that a couple truly feels. And it's hard to love someone when you REALLY like someone else; someone who makes you smile and happy, to feel safe in there arms, and to know that they love you. I don't want to pass this opportunity up.
For my whole life i wanted someone to care for me properly, and i might of just found him.
I only want to be happy
And i know a few people that actually don't want me to be happy (you know who you are!)
And even if im not sure on who i want, (Karl or Johnny) I know I'll be alot happier. I only want to have my best friend back. It would feel alot better, and less awkward.
And if you don't like my thinking then im sorry. I only want what will make everyone happy!

Artist / Writers BLOCK
YAY iv finally lost my Artist Block, just got to get rid of my Writers block. This is anothe cause of my depression, As you might know, i Draw and write Poems/ Stories to express my emotions. Having both types of Blocks, have made me quite suicidal, as i had no way of expressing my emotions.
I'm feeling alot better being able to draw again. However, it wont help as much as writing poems, but it will do for now.

If anyone has a way of getting rid of writters block, then please let me know

Appologies and THANKZ
I'd like to appologise to Sam and Elvis. Up to you if you forgive me.
Thankz
I'd like to thank: Squishy, Karl, Luke, Bulky-Monster, Stacie (Kitty ^^), Martyn (I am not SANTA!!! XD)

Now for theFun Randomness of today
Today it was FREEZING, an Electric Tooth bursh had nothing on me
I spent alot of today with Karl, just chatting really. Nothing wierd, however he does keep staring at me weirdly, and i noticed him (after telling him about the little kids staring at my boobs) him staring at them too. wierd.
IO enjoyed my hug of johnny, he also held my hand ^^ *girlish giggle* enjoyed it alot ^^. However i did get attacked by Stacie LoL ^^ she likes my hir style (sruffy/poofy bunches) LoL.
And the last most funniest thing of the day was Martyn ^^ LoL. He hugged me, and it looked like he was sitting on my lap.
"are you sitting on my lap?" "now i am" *sits on my lap* I feel like Santa ^^. LoL yep i felt like Santa.
What would you do if you sat on Santa's lap. LoL, well Luke decided to say to Santa (me) "do you mind touching my butt" LoL twas funn ^^
If i sat on Santas lap, id play with his beard ^^, thats when it got freaky, Martyn Constantly started to sound like that "M and S" advert while storking my chin as if i had a beard. LoL ^^
That tickled alot, and it started to freak me out.
Jhonny hugged me again.
Luke and i hade a poking fest. i cant believed he spamed me LoL ^^

LOVE ALL OF YOU ^^
and il get you back Luke = ¬ x ¬ = *ponders*

If you've read this, then thank you for taking the time of reading my rant for the past 2 weeks.

Commiting Suicide..........FLAME & Lyrics

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 17:42:21 GMT

Don't worry im not going to commit suicide, im too afraid of pain.

Was just wondering
"Who would Really Miss me!?"

I HATE pain, but sometimes things just drive me completely over the edge. I'm not a person whos easily pissed off or upset, but when i am, god am i suicidal, i mean, i turn like an emotionless cold hearted being thats invisible, and it's scary. I'm fed up of people moaning at me for anything. I was being moaned at for being happy, sad, and just day dreaming, and when i explain, I SITLL got moaned at, JUST FUCK OFF!!!! Blemmin hell what am i going to; Run full pelt on to a large pointed stick !?

I am quite a bubbly person, and im like a bunny rabbit (as iv been told) but yes im emo too, like everyone else is, and yes i dont like to talk to people my emotions or my life, if i want to tell you then i will, if not , then fuck off!
I spend all my time sorting out people's problems which i actually enjoy doing, so i know im not annoyed by that.......

I'm happy but I'm sad, thats just the way i am, im like Cloud Strife, you know, he's emoitional state. LoL thats me when im not laughing or wearing a mask to hide the shame and all the flaws im made of.

IM NOT MAKING SENSE ANYMORE!!

ARGH!!!! short simple: I HATE MY LIFE!!! I'm Happy/Sad and thats me. if i could click my fingers and die, i would!

Well rant is over, im off to write a story.

Anyway, heres the lyrics that i LOVE and relate to at this moment in time. Enjoy ^^

Artist:	Skillet
Song:	Open Wounds
Album:	Collide

In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you
I'm gone, I'm gone

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

chorus
How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change
I'm never good enough

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

chorus

Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??

You can't stop me from falling apart 3X
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault.

chorus

MAJOR PROJECT !! PLEASE HELP !!

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 15:58:58 GMT

My major project started after watching 'The World Trade Center' (the film) just a few moments ago. I will be constructing a large project which im hoping to get EVERYONE i can involved in. However i need Your help!

I'd like everyone if possible to do a drawing/photo or something towards the September 11th for next year. I'm hoping with everyones help i can create a major re-memorable piece and use it to help those who were caught up in the horrible experience.

please if you like to take part, then please send me a personal note or comment on this journal

TERMS:
i will need your piece sent to me (a copy will do) which will be connected to the main project.
Don't worry, you will be credited.

This would mean alot to me if you could help out.

Muffins, Cupcakes.........CAKE!!!!!

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 15:44:17 GMT

I did these Muffins for christmas, and only really just remembered to upload them on to here ^^

So here are my muffins ^^ You may recognise a few of the muffins. And others you want. (especially one of them LoL ^^ you'll never guess what one of them is suppose to be)

See if you recognise any of them ^^

Enjoy ^^

P.S. they're making me hungry ^^

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 15:24:40 GMT

Totally bored.

If You Were Magically Zapped into Kingdom Hearts, Which Character Would You Be Most Like?

You are most like Cloud. Strong and handsome, you often feel the need to show the world what you're made of. You will go to any length to do this, even if it means giving up the things that you love.
Take this quiz!

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Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Updates, Exmas, Problems

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 22:35:12 GMT

Hello
I know its been long since i wrote in here
BUT
I shall be getting a laptop soon, which means i will be able to keep up with all my emails, post, etc.
I cant wait ^^

EXAMS:
I've just done my Key skills exam, and i have my Law Mock Exam coming up this Monday, not quite looking forward to that as me and my friend LaLa are like one person, he knows one half, and i know the other. I'm screwed.
AND I got a "B" on my Maths Exam.....even if it is only around 19% of my maths course done. My first ever "B" I'm SOO HAPPY! ^^

Problems:
Not much really, Valentines coming up and Mickey Mouse (my friend) has a valentine. I feel so .....lonely and unloved, but I don't want to end up hurt, so I'm giving up on love for a while.
Karl "likes" me, but I don't "like" him. And I think I'm starting to fall in love with a girl friend of mine, even though she's also Bi, I don't think she'd like me, as we're just Best friends........

Things just never turn out the way they do in fairy tales, do they?

Anyway........I've been, yet again busy with 6th Form. It really does take away a lot of your free time with; Coursework, Homework, Exams, Revision, etc.

Babbling away now, so.......How are you all?

What time do you WAKE UP !?

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 16:53:50 GMT

LoL Must share my love.....

3 of my freinds absolutely hates me, but they do love me, i just keep waking them up LoL MWAHAHAHA

How would you feel if you were woken up at 4am 3am or sometimes 1am?
Well i keep waking up at these times, and once im up i can't go back to sleep. So i spread my love and wake my 3 bestest friends up ^^
Only one might reply.

I end up drawing/reading/singing (don't ask)/playing ps2 games (mainly Spyro New Beginning, FF7AC Dierge of Cerberus or .Hack Liminality)

Any ideas on how to go back to sleep?
Sheep WONT work, im not even going to try it.
I sleep when im cold/warm, but it only works when im tierd....

Please help safe my friends from the early morning text ^^

P.S. I'll try and come on here more often, been busy with college/homework/coursework/revision/exams.

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 16:51:21 GMT

HELLO!!!!!!

Missed Speaking to people on here, so first of all.

How are you?

Im UPSET, HAPPY and P*SSD OFF!

HAPPY
YAY SAMII GOT A JOB she got it yesturday, (in Macdonalds) but at least its money ^^.....im still looking :(......not going to well :(

P*SSD OFF
I had quite a lot of people Flaming me because of one drawing i drew from inspiration of Pokemon when i was 10. They called me an Art thief and a Lier AND a loser.
I've NEVER Stolen anything in my life, no matter what it is, and i dont like to lie, only white lies where its slightly true and its to keep someone happy, but apart from that NEVER!!! *Grr* anyway.....so yeah that's anoyed me, i nearly cried from all the nasty stuff said, they went over the top in being damn right rude :(

SAD
Honestly to truth people that know me, dont actually know me, as im always sad for a reason, but i smile over it, and laugh around with my friends, but still im sad.....something still upsets me, and its very rarely lifted.
Notice:
1.constant staring into the abyse
2. Drawing/ writing stories, poems
3. Silence......

i don't think people can understand me as much as they like to, but o well........they will some day...i hope.

i will post a few pics later on here ^^
Till then chat later

Bye xXxXxXxXx

My 4 weeks of nice nutterness ^^

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 18:05:27 GMT

YAY!!!!

This is so my 4weeks ^^ Iv had complimetns from everyon including strangers for 4 weeks running. im so happy ^^

I'v got a new coat which i managed to have now and not for xmas, including a skirt ^^

"IM BLUE.." Egg Timer & Park.....

I bet your wondering what this is about ^^ well....
Me, Lisa and Karl were walking around town, as we had a free period, and had a turn-your-toungue-blue chewing gum, so, you guessed it, i was flashing my tongue around AND singing "Im BLu DA BA DE DA BA DI" LoL ^^ fun
We sat in the Castle Park Playground swinging on the swings.....a little girl goes to the loo in FRONT OF ME!!! O-O i didnt want to see that.....
So, walking back to 6th Form, we started talking about egg timers, and what they were for.
My answer was: you get a stick to meassure the egg......
They didnt stop laughing at me......AND she text me when she was literally down the hall from me saying "Your a nutter LoL"

Anyway.....I've got to go, im going to Pizza hut, as its my mates birthday, but......i dont know any of his friends, and do you ever get the feeling that your not going to like it one bit......well iv got that feeling right now, and normally my feeling are right. GREAT!

P.S. Thank you Samii for scanning my pictures ^^. i didnt think it be fair to give you my other sketch books LoL. Thank you alot. ^^

Catch you later my LJ lovers ^^

Please comment ^^
*SQUISHY RULES* ^^
Alania xXx

COLD: feelings, truth & lies

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 18:30:11 GMT

COLD

It's ABSOLUTELY FREZZING!!!!! and im wrapped up in my warm coat and aerything *Brr*

Love is an Evil thing, especiall when someone decideds thats he loves you, but then turns you down just because a certain friend (whos also your ex) doesn't like it. *Grr* I HATE HIM!!!!!!! i hate being used, or being played. which basically happened. (was asked out on firday, and was dumped only earlier today because my ex found out, i agree what my lover had said, but still thats not technically fair) "there's no point losing friends over a girl" nice to know he cared for me, huh..........
*GRR*
So im feeling a little low, and cold, which is making me very sad all of a sudden......which isnt right......

Later on today...

OMG is anyone else feeling Christmasy??
In Costa today got a Lovely Hot Chocolate (whip cream and marshmellows were included) and everywhere was a christmas icon (tree, pressents, gifts, etc) even music was playing.....so im now all christmasy like ^^. cant wait, especially when i was like BAH HUMBUG the otherday ^^

and finally....

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!
Q. How does the Teapot Nuresry Ryhme go?
Me and my frined can't remember this ONE line.

"Im a little Teapot,
Short and stout.
This is my handle,
This is my stout.
...............
Hear me shout!
Tip me up and pour me out".

What is said in he dotted line??

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!

Thank You .x. .x. .x.

Family RAWR , Stuff, and MY MANGA EPILOGGUE!!!!

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 12:19:54 GMT

Family RAWR

My family is now driving me scatty!!
My dad keeps being a grumpy (which is him to a tee, but he's got worse)
He keeps ignoring my mum, as he's CONSTANTLY falling a sleep while we're watching something and by God can he SNORE!!!
And now my mum's starting to moan at me for being lazy, when it's not my fault that im in my room away from her nagging people or on the computer checking my mail,LJ and DA (which i still need to finish looking through)
But i feel alot safer in my room, where i can't be nagged at or having to watch some pathetic boring programe (e.g: sports, news, uk living.....etc).
This is getting beyond a joke!

Anyway.......

Iv'e been busy with 6th Form homewrok and my japanese learning, im CONSTANLY drawing lately and im loving every miute that i do drawing.
I believ im nearly finished playing Kingdom Hearts 2 *YaY*

~Samii; are you finished with my FFX-2 (just remembered about that) and iv finished your request of Kaida, im just colouring her at the moment ^^, she's pretty kewl, so i hope you like her ^^.

I'm nearly finished creating my characters for my Manga (im not doing my life story anymore incase you didnt know, abit too personal)

MANGA
Epilogue:

~ You think your life's weird, and you wish to be different, but not everything is like the way we planned.
A small group of kids are on a journey of their lives, and their only hope is in a little girl, who's life is in great danger.
~ Awoken from a foggy dream, they must learn to use their powers and become human, while trying to remember what heppened to them that dreadful night.
~Can they find the little girl, savior before something disaterous happens?
Or maybe it will be a start on a new mysterious new adventure........

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 10:52:03 GMT

Hi sorry i havent posted in a while, the link below is something thats been bugging me.

Where's my Nobody ?
Do you ever get the feeling that something's wrong, and someone's missing in your soul?
Well right now i feel like i've lost my best friend.

For some reaosn this week and last week has gone rather.....strangly.
Japanese lessons are great I LOVE THEM ^^, but i'v noticed samii was having a little trouble, so iv been helping whenever i can (when she can)and she's made an improvment, but it does sound like, she's barking at me some of the time.
We're all different in are own ways, and we're good at things others arent, but it sounded like she wanted to rip me apart one time. It just that shes been sounding....slightly up herself.
"people who are afraid of spiders are stupid" some people have GOOD reasons to be scared of them (when i was 10 or 11 there was a huge black spider with a white/silvery marking sharing my bed with me, and i was in my house all alone, i was scared of them since).

This post probably sounds like a nagging moaning type, but its not, and everything i've said, i dint mean say nasterly, but i would like my old samii back.
And im sorry if iv upsetted anyone, but talking face-to-face didn' work, for you see i am Shadow, and was blanked out.

Can i have my Samii back?
(P.S. Samii your my other ot my Nobody, your oo good to be a Nobody ^^).

Good Things thats happened

I've been complimented on ALOT the last 2 weeks
My hair smells nice,
I smell nice,
I look cute when my hairs down,
My outburst of giggles are cute ^^,
My old BITE card looks adorable and cute (il try and post a picture,
Im very Random (in a good way).

I love EVERYONE who's said the above things, since iv been feeling down this week.

I've been invited to go to a convention *Yay* cant wait ^^
so far my parents are ok with it ^^

Dose this "^^" look like monoborws?? my friend katie just laughs and shouts "MONOBORWS" when i place ^^ in a convo/ over email. ^^ o well......MONOBORWS RULE ^^

Thankz for reading ^^

Studio Ghibli

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 19:47:16 GMT

Just a Tribute to Studio Ghibli
many films such as;

1. Nausicaä of the Valley of the Winds (1984)
2. Castle in the Sky (1986)
3. Grave of the Fireflies (1988)
4. My Neighbor Totoro (1988)
5. Kiki's Delivery Service (1989)
6. Only Yesterday (1991)
7. Porco Rosso (1992)
8. Pom Poko (1994)
9. Whisper of the Heart (1995)
10. Princess Mononoke (1997)
11. Spirited Away (2001)
12. The Cat Returns (2002)
13. Howl's Moving Castle (2004)

I have only got Howl's Moving Castle, My Neighbor Totoro and im getting Spirited Away for X-mas (i know its far away, im not that sad, counting the days, im actually starting to dislike X-mas...)

I cant wait to get the others, mainly: Kiki's Delivery Service, Pom Poko and Whisper of the Heart ^^.

Well im off to watch Howl's Moving Castle whil stitching my Riku Plushie. (its hillarious the film, i advise you to watch.....well i like it ^^)

I posted this in a community and wanted to share my madness ^^

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 20:05:00 GMT

as the title says, this was posted in OKingdom_Hearts community. enjoy the real Me that only a few people have seen ^^......

Scared, Game Store ^^ and not so funny Brother!
Yesterday, me and my lovely twin brother went to the game store in town, to see what games there were, the usual boring stuff, and thats when it happened.

On the shelf was KINGDOM HEART 2!!!!!!! (pre order of course)

I screamed and ran to it, grabbing it off the shelf jumping up and down like a mad looney (this is not exaggersted at all) chanting "9 MORE DAYS TO GO!!! i LOVE IT!!!! I CANT WAIT!!!! I WANT IT!!! 9 MORE DAYS TO GO!!!

i REALLY scared the staff and other customers ^^, they looked like they suffered a heart attack, and my brother totally freaked out from my reactions (hes the hyperactive twin) ^^

THEN!!!! my brother had decided beacuse i was TOO hyper/happy (which is normally his role)said:

"When it arrives im gona hide it and say, your gona get it at xmas!" i nearly killed him!!! i was inches away from crying threatening him going "dont you Bleemin dare!!!! you know how much i want this game, and how long i'v been waiting for!!! it makes me ME!!!!!" ......

Then hed hugged me and appologised (hes gona put it on my bed, so when i go into my room, il scream and be the mad looney like i was in the store ^^. (my bro can be evil at times, and a sweetheart ^^)

Sorry just wanted to share that day ^^

8 MORE DAYS TO GO!!!!!

6th Form and Stuff.....

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 17:10:20 GMT

Hello my sweethearts ^^ how are you all?

(ignore that)

anyway.......

6th Form is great, im settling in fine, i can find my way around now......sort of ^^, and iv already made a few friends (surprised: im quite shy really :S)
Already doing homework :( and my twin brother keeps mocking me about the days i do....(lucky bum has certain days off) *Grr*

STUFF

Lately iv been having HUGE urges to Make and Draw stuff, such as:

1. hopefully Life-size Deep Dive Riku Plushie
2. Dress/Coat
3. Kingdom Heart CAKE! (with funky icing ^^)
4. MANGA (Life based, as you already know)
5. My own Website (pretty hard when i dont have the program i need to make one)
6. Dragon/japanese chair
7. Wooden Keyblade
8. Movie (based on my mates because....i feel like it ^^)
9. Outfit (Trousers, Top, Coat and Shoes......the shoes will be a problem)
10. Poster (what makes me Me!)

I will be posting pictures of my sketches of the above, and then pictures of the finished list.
Some of the above are along time project, so please be patient if your dying to see one of the above, AND please keep in my mind that i will have homework/essays to do for 6th Form at the same time.

For the mean time, just sit back and relax, and please be patient ^^.

Thank you for you co-operation
Love you all

Alania x

My First Week at 6th Form

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 19:19:38 GMT

6th Form is pretty kewl ^^. the doors arent in order and the rooms are hard to get too, but everything is kewl. I've already made a few friends in my classes. I'm taking;

GCSE resit Maths
English Literature
Law
Art
Introduction to Japanese
and Key Skills.

I'll try and get on here as often as possible.
Iv'e missed all my LJ friends especially ypu
Squishy
Bulky Monster
Tifabelle
Bikushou
and many many more ^^.

Update later on ^^
Love you all. Bye xxxxxx

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 07:53:37 GMT

Look out for my stories on.....

『 Final Fantasy blog crew☆彡』 → Tifa Lockheart.

『 Final Fantasy blog crew☆彡』 → Northern Cave.

『 Kingdom hearts blog crew☆彡』 → Riku

『 Kingdom hearts blog crew☆彡』 → Halloween Town

(P.S. Those whos wondering about my manga, its doing pretty well at the moment ^^, hopefully be posting it soon ^^.)

Bored, and saw this quiz on my friends list, so.......i did it ^^

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 18:40:35 GMT

You Are Flan Pocky

Your attitude: modern and offbeat
East meets west... sweet meets salty.
You're a pro at bringing unusual combos together!

What Flavor Pocky Are You?